2019-09-09 - 3:36 a.m.
You have to understand that when George Lucas made the film that you call "Episode 4: A New Hope" and every person in generation x simply calls "Star Wars", he had no intention of making prequels or sequels. He just started the film with the whole episode four business as a cheap writers trick so that he didn't have to explain all of the crazy bullshit in this universe and you could suspend disbelief. It was also an homage to the Flash Gordon serials of the 1940's. You would just catch an episode here or there and would get the idea of the story.
He never saw anything past that first film and any other way of thinking is revisionist history. This is why something like "The Star Wars Holiday Special" happened in 78'. You really think he would have had the cantina aliens dancing around with Bea Arthur if he had any intention of taking this shit seriously? There was a Wookie holiday, Art Carney, and fucking Jefferson Starship. Trust me, there wasn't a thought in his mind about a nine part epic saga with side films.
It didn't stop there though. There was also the long forgotten "Donny & Marie Show Star Wars Special" complete with Redd Foxx, Paul Lynde, and a chorus line of dancing Storm Troopers. As well as the "Richard Pryor Show's" Star Wars Bar skit, that had the most depressingly unfunny comedian of all time doing corny space jokes to the actual costumes from the film. Both of these aired in 1977 and I can promise you old man Lucas didn't have any idea how far you nerds were going to take it.
If he did, none of these specials ever would have happened.
BUT, some one asked him to do The Empire Strikes Back just to make the studio more money, and it was fucking awesome. So around that time I'm guessing is when they decided to beat this dead horse for as long as they could. In my opinion though, it should have stopped there because that one is the last film I will acknowledge. This is because Return of the Jedi is one of the most poorly crafted pieces of shit I've ever seen, and hand to god I even felt that way when I was ten years old and saw it for the first time.
Forget the teddy bears and their stupid singing and dancing. Ignore that the ending of destroying the Death Star is the same exact ending they had in the first film. Overlook that when they walk into Jabba's palace it looks like the Mark Hamill episode of the Muppet Show. Even block out that when Darth Vader's helmet came off he was a crusty white senior citizen and not remotely cool. The real problem of the whole fucking movie is everything involving Lando Calrissian.
So Lando get's a job at Jabba's palace, right?
That means, nothing from the entire opening sequence of the film ever needed to happen.
He was in charge of Cloud City where Han Solo was originally frozen in carbonite. Hence, he had the access codes to unfreeze him and was already in the prime location to do so. Therefore droids didn't have to come in to barter, Leah didn't have to come in as a bounty hunter with Chewbacca as a hostage, and Luke didn't need to show up at fucking all. Lando clearly could have unfroze Han himself and they could have sashayed right the fuck out of there avoiding all of that nonsense. That means the whole fucking beginning part of the movie, as well as the only part I actually enjoyed, was a gigantic waste of time.
While I'm on the subject of Lando though, how in the hell did he get that job in the first palce?
He was the Baron Administrator for Cloud City for fuck sake, and the only black dude in the galaxy for that matter. He kind of stood out. Are you telling me that NO ONE in all of their journeys had heard about the only black man in the universe running a whole fucking city? They didn't print that cat's picture in anything?
You know what, let me stop you before you answer and embarrass yourself. BOBA FETT FUCKING MET HIM!!!
That's how he got Han's ass in the first place. Go re-watch The Empire Strikes again and you will see both of those fellows within inches of each other. Boba Fett worked in the god damn palace and at no point did he say to anyone, "Are you fucking kidding me? You hired the Baron Administrator of Cloud City? Han is friends with that guy!"
That's just piss poor writing my friend.
You would think it gets tiresome being right all of the time, but I swear to you it really doesn't.
previous - next