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2019-08-23 - 10:49 a.m.

The right side of Sylvester Stallone's face is caved in. The lower half down by his mouth. The side that droops unnaturally low anytime he talks. Like he had some weird kind of stroke, but only after his right jaw and cheek bone were cracked with a bat.
This is all I was thinking as I was watching Judge Dredd. Well that and how terrible 90's movies are. I also couldn't stop thinking about why Rob Schneider had the majority of the screen time. Man, is he one of the greatest arguments for Anti-Semitism or what? Even his hefty Beth Ditto rip off of a daughter doesn't even use his last name.
It sure is a great time to be a fat girl though, huh? Somehow having absolutely no self control became considered "Brave" and now we all have to pretend monsters with glandular disorders are goddesses. Fat dudes are still gross and unfuckable though, but flab sacks that can't sleep on their back because they'll stop breathing are fucking beautiful.
Stallone's face though, I mean is he retarded or something?
Lately I've been encountering this deformed prick with special needs who works out like a fiend to distract from the fact that he's a mutant, so I guess it's a "Thing." As in, lift weights and people won't see your other genetic shortcomings.
All of this ran like a waterfall through my mind as I watched the 1995 version of Judge Dredd. It wasn't terrible because it betrayed the comic book, it was terrible because it came off as an unfunny version of Demolition Man. Which Rob "Sandler's Power Bottom" Schneider was also in, I might add.
Not even Diane Lane's fine ass could save this picture. It was kind of like Tank Girl in the way that I wanted to kill myself the entire time I was watching it.
Here I am, forty six years old watching a retro comic book movie in the middle of the day time. I think technically that's a a suicide note. Still though, none of that even matters because Hollywood made a drooling 5' 10" Guinea mongoloid a star.
I've always hated him, and not because I had to because 80's punk rock law enforced it, but because I honestly think he's a handicap gorilla. Can anyone understand a fucking word this mumbling dipshit says? He makes me ashamed to be Italian. In fairness though the majority of other dagos do that too.
I've never seen a Rambo movie and the only Rocky one I've ever seen was the one with Mr. T because I was fascinated with black people when I was a kid. Outside of that and Death Race 2000 I've avoided his entire catalogue like the plague.
I'm actually kind of embarrassed for watching this movie today. Yeah it was cool to see Ian Dury in a film, but it was uncomfortable hearing a Cure song in an action film. Oh god, do you remember the Crow? That movie was so gay Christian bakeries won't even make it a cake.
I really need to stop second guessing myself and watching movies I initially ignored just because I had free HBO for the weekend and DVR-ed everything. Jesus do I need a hobby. Does anyone know any cults looking for new recruits or hate a woman enough to set me up with her?
I really need to reevaluate my life.

 

 

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